I think I might have jinxed myself.
It started months ago, when my roommate received
Jason Gray's new album as a Christmas gift. One listen, and it became my go-to CD whenever I was home. To say that I was enamored is putting it mildly. (Tiff can attest to my infatuation; I didn't hesitate to reassure her of my enthusiasm. We lost count of how many times I've gushed, "I LOVE THIS CD!")
February came and went, and the gushing continued: "I'm still not tired of this CD! I love every song!" Finally, in March, I copied the CD and brought it in my car (hoping that my morning passengers would love it as much as I do).
Something odd happened that fateful day, however. When my sister tried to eject Jason Gray in favor of Sara Groves, he refused to come out. Two months later, he's still stuck. The CD plays -it starts automatically as soon as I turn the key- but it will not be moved.
This new circumstance presents a choice every time I get into my car, albeit a subtle one. When I'm paying attention, I think, "My mind needs something different!", and I switch to the radio for my MPR fix. However, I'm embarrassed by how often I get twenty minutes down the road before I realize that I am once again singing along to the same three songs. For lack of conscious intervention, I've allowed this CD to become my unofficial driving soundtrack. These thirteen songs are permanently stuck in my head. It's not bad (have I told you I love this CD?), but I'm not sure it's good for me, either. It's narrow at best, depriving at worst.
God's been speaking to me about my life soundtrack lately. Not so much about Jason Gray, but about the thought patterns which loop continuously in my mind all day long -- for better or for worse. The moment I wake up, the same old cd (the mix labeled "Old Anxieties and Insecurities Under New Names") starts to play. It moves effortlessly from that vague conversation I had with a friend last week (and things I wish I'd asked) to the insulting comment from a relative (and the underlying meaning) to the cryptic e-mail that I could interpret ten different ways, and even to the wardrobe choices I have for the event next weekend (which one will make me feel most confident?).
I break up the shallow, self-centered playlist to worry about other people in my life, wondering about their choices, their options, their friends, their difficulties, their health, and my connection to each one. It feels more noble than overthinking my own life, but isn't any more fruitful. That worry has a way of paralyzing me from loving involvement in their lives.
Before I know it, I've spent my entire day singing along to the same four songs, and my soul is miserable. Talk about being stuck.
It takes effort -mindfulness- to think differently. But God continues to remind me that there are other soundtracks available, if I'm willing to change the station:
"And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect." (Romans 12:2)"Set your mind on things above, and not on things on the earth." (Colossians 3:2)I heard two quotes recently which resonate with this theme:
"The most important choice you make every day is what you choose to think about." - Chip Ingram
"Spiritual battles are won or lost in the day-to-day thoughts we harbor." - Carolyn McCulley,
Radical WomanhoodI can't change my life circumstances (I can't even change the cd in my car!), but I can choose what I will listen to and sing along with.
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