Off the Treadmill and into the...Dark Curtain?

Through a series of events and the wise direction of my parents at the point of a nasty breakdown, I stepped away from several church responsibilites at the end of January and entered a new period of seeking God. It was a choice to deliberately step away from the "spiritual treadmill" I'd been on (the "Lord-here's-my-list-of-how-I-justified-my-existence-in-the-world-today-aren't-You-happy-with-me-see-everyone-else-is" lifestyle, characterized by lots more doing than listening). I didn't know what to expect at first, but eventually, I began to realize that slowing down was only the beginning. God wanted to speak, but I had no capacity to listen. Over the past three months, I have begun to learn a little (emphasis on LITTLE) about stillness and hearing...

And to my delight, God has begun to speak. He's surprised me, though. I had a list of things I was interested in hearing about (like who I should marry, or what I should be writing about, or where I should be going to church, or really important things, like whether or not to buy a certain pair of shoes), but I'm finding that He wants to re-write my list, too. He's challenging the way I see Him, myself, the world, and my role in the world as His child. (I'm almost afraid to write about this process, as though it will cease to be a part of me when I share it with the world-at-large -- the handful of you reading this being a small representation of the world-at-large, of course.) He's been speaking about treasuring eternal things, re-orienting my heart piece by pitiful piece, and I yearn to cooperate, because the fellowship with Him has been sweeter than words can say!

But the rubber has to hit the road sometime, doesn't it? I find myself with choices and plans to make -- yikes! After two months of quiet rest and soul conditioning, I've been bumped from my cozy cocoon and am now facing what my future looks like OFF the treadmill. I'm supposed to run outdoors now, and let Him choose the route, step by step, and I don't know how to do it! My friend Corrie recently referred to this as the "Dark Curtain" -- when we look ahead and see only that the future is shrouded. We know that SOMETHING is on the other side, but guessing only brings more anxiety. All we know is that today's step seems sort of hazy, and we're not sure that we want to go very far without seeing... (Because we know enough of God that if it's any good, it's not likely to be easy, either!) So, I hold back, waiting for a glimpse beyond that Dark Curtain.

I don't know why I think a long-range plan from God would put me at ease; I can't even read a recipe all the way through and produce an edible result! I'm constantly flitting back to the cookbook because I can only handle very small directions. He knows this. And that's just it. He knows me, and He wants me to know Him! The destination? Plenty has served to remind me recently that my destination is heaven! Everything in between is a journey that He already knows, end from beginning. And I know Him well enough to know that He's FAR more reliable than Mapquest...

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"Faith" by John Greenleaf Whittier (I thought -- couldn't confirm the authorship tonight)

Nothing before, nothing behind
The steps of faith
Fall on the seeming void
And find
The rock beneath.