On Turning Thirty...

(I took your advice and wrote it, Sharon!)

Tomorrow morning when I wake up, I will be thirty years old. I've never been thirty before. Having seen it from afar, I've viewed it as a rite of passage, an unmistakable move into genuine adulthood. And I have been a tad intimidated.

Intimidated, perhaps, because I had a list of defining factors I thought would be a part of my life by the time I reached this milestone. House, husband, kids, graduate degree, dog. (The world in general must agree on this list, as I am frequently asked when I will find a man or get a masters or buy a house -- or, in the case of my students, adopt a baby.)

And so, when friends have asked how I feel about reaching this important age, I've been tempted to run through the mental list of non-acquisitions. No house. No husband. No kids. No grad degree. No dog, even. Conclusion: I must be a loser. (I'm so tempted to throw in a great line from The Kid right here, but only my brother Mark, who doesn't read my blog, would really appreciate it...)

Add in statistics about singleness past thirty and ticking biological clocks and retirement funds, and the whiny voice of self-pity is joined by the raspy, quivering voice of fear in singing a dirge about my future.

But if you ask me how I feel about turning thirty, I am not going to sing you that song, because God has given me a different, better one to sing. Every time I've started to think about this in the past month, He has drowned out those voices in my head with these verses, among the most precious to me in the whole Bible:

"Lord, You are my portion and my cup of blessing.

You hold my future.

The boundary lines have fallen to me in pleasant places;

Behold, I have a beautiful inheritance." (Psalm 16:5-6)

I am confident that when I reach the end of my life, I will be able to look back on what my perfect, sovereign Creator decided belonged in it and say, "What You chose to include is beautiful and good. Behold, I have a beautiful inheritance."

One reason for my confidence: there is not an area of my life where I cannot see evidence of God's goodness to me. He has met me SO abundantly. Over the past thirty years, He has given me a multitude of precious friendships and has sustained them through various seasons. He has always heard my heart's cry for genuine fellowship with like-minded people. He's provided adventure in my daily life and around the world. He's given me opportunities I never anticipated and ones I secretly longed for. He has given me places to belong and places to grow.

When I have asked for something, He has either given it or redirected my heart's desire. Some of these things He brought before I expected them, and some He brought after long seasons of seeking Him and trusting His provision. But never once have I lacked, even in a season of waiting.

My only question: how can I possibly look on my future with dread when I can see His rich faithfulness woven through my past?

So how do I feel about turning thirty?

...hopeful.

...expectant.

...even...joyous. I have seen God's trustworthiness displayed in these thirty years; may I recognize it and display it far more in the coming years, however few or many they shall be!

"I have set the LORD always before me;

because He is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken." (Ps. 16:8)

Hypothetical Pursuits Are My Favorite Kind

My original title for this post was "Things I Would Love to Be Passionate About...In Another Lifetime." But decided against it because it made it sound like I already possessed some level of interest or dedication for these things, and I really don't. I just think it would be cool to be into them. If I didn't have other things closer to the top of my list.

1. Independent music (especially acoustic singer/songwriter stuff)

2. Farmers' markets

3. Knitting
4. Triathlons

5. Actually, crazy-intense physical training in general

6. Eating organic food

7. GROWING organic food -- how cool would that be?

8. Participating in the local literary community

9. Keeping abreast of the local arts scene, too

It looks like I could have lifted that list right out of a Stuff White People Like post. Yuck. I really hate it when that guy is right.

Lists (useful for so many reasons!) provide clarification to me. What DO I really care about? What do I really WANT to care about? If I actually have extra time (that's a post for another day), what do I want to go after?

So I'm going to write a few more.

Actual Priorities at This Time...

1. Teaching (doing it well, building community at school, encouraging spiritual growth in my students)

2. Friendships

3. Family relationships

4. Overthinking everything!

5. Writing

6. Wasting time on my computer...

This year, I want to overwrite "Prayer" on number four and "Sleep" on number six. Those would be much healthier!

A Few Interests I'll Actually Pursue

1. Cooking. I enjoy it, and I want to be better at it.

2. Hosting. Another thing that brings me joy.

3. Drawing and painting...a piece of me that stays buried most of the time. I miss it.

4. Creative, noticing-the-world, wide-awake writing.

5. More reading, always, always, always.

6. Cross-country skiing.

Those things are all empty, however, unless they serve a deeper purpose. My prayer is that any pursuit of those things may only be in the pursuit of God.

And one final list:

What I Really Want to Be True About Me When I Leave This Earth (Instead of the Copycat List at the Beginning):

1. That the people who were closest to me were well-known, well-loved and experienced grace from me.

2. That those who watched me live my life observed (and experienced) confidence and delight in God.

3. That my words helped others to know and trust the God of the Bible (and to love His Word!).

Gracious Father, give me strength and perseverance to go after what You put in my heart to pursue -- but never for me or my glory.

Yes, Those Words Came Out Of My Mouth: Commands Only A Second Grade Teacher Would Give

"Yes, you MAY go to the bathroom, but ONLY if your hair looks EXACTLY the same when you get back."

- Instructions to my second grade Justin Bieber wannabe, who spends most of the day worrying about his hair and "wopping" it (shifting it to the side with a jerky, tic-like motion). I've been instructed by his parents to limit his hair-adjusting visits to the boys' room. True story.

"Everyone else has to leave their teeth in their mouths for the rest of the day. If anyone else feels like taking a tooth out, they're going to have to wait and do it at home. Period."

- It might surprise you that loss of teeth is contagious in a first and second grade classroom, but I am not fabricating this. Sometimes, you just have to lay the law down.

I hate to admit this, but there are times that I'm disappointed I can't tell the rest of the world exactly what to do and how not to do it. Teaching second grade just feeds my inner dictator...

On the Desire to Speak Being Far Greater Than the Need...

I suppose that could be the whole post right there.

I could say a lot more about how much I'm like a first grader, delighting only in telling and retelling my own dramatic stories to whoever will listen. (And sometimes even to those who don't listen, which results in the story fading out to the point of inaudibility and embarrassment. Yes, folks, I AM aware. But it doesn't stop me, sadly.)

I could write about how my ability to describe an amazing revelation from Scripture far outstrips my ability to act on said revelation. Clever words do NOT equal changed hearts.

I could tell you all about how I don't have any trouble pointing out your or someone else's flaws, but words that "build up and give grace to those who listen" (Ephesians 4:29) feel strange in my mouth.

I've been pondering all of this, and it keeps bubbling up into blog post ideas, perpetuating the problem a bit.

Some Scripture that is cutting its way through my thinking, "dividing between the thoughts and intents of the heart:" (Hebrews 4)

"A fool has no delight in understanding, but only in revealing his own mind." Proverbs 18:2

"There is one who speaks rashly, like the thrusts of a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing." Proverbs 12:18

"Do you see a man who is hasty in his words? There is more hope for a fool than for him." Proverbs 29:20

"The end of all things is near; therefore be of sound judgment and sober spirit for the purpose of prayer. [NOT for the purpose of cynical complaining or cutting others down!] Above all, keep fervent in your love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins." 1 Peter 4:7-8

Words matter. Good ones. Bad ones. The fact that basically everything motivates me to speak or write tells me that words are an important part of who God has made me to be. But that does not mean all my words are fit for public consumption. Many ought to be reserved for the more intimate relationships of my life, particularly my relationship with God. Quite a few more belong in the trash heap. 

But that small bit left? My prayer today: Lord, change me to be the woman who "opens her mouth with wisdom, and on her tongue is the law of kindness." (Proverbs 31:26)

Animal Alter Egos and Dating Advice for Strong Men: First and Second Grade Journals

In a move to broaden our writing horizons (from pet and video game stories), I've been assigning journal topics during daily writing. We're terrible spellers, but plenty thoughtful and creative.

"If I Were An Animal, I Would Be..."

...a lion I woud scare peopl so I scare peopl out of a restront and eta al of thaer food.

...a cheata. Because cheata's can run 60 miles (97 kiloneters) per hour. The reason I want to be a cheata is because I love cats and cheata are part of the cat faimly. But the thing I don't like about them is because cheata's are meat eators and I'm meat.

...a dog. because I like treats and. people petting me and. have sharp teeth and. have big ears like. my anuts dog.

...a Rabit i like to hope i love to Run and i like to hiDe. But i dont to be shot and be eating. But i do like carrets. But the only thing is that i like to swim and Rabits dont like to be cold and i dont like to be in a cage

...a Dinesor because they are bigger than any other animel. And no body can kill a Dinesor except Jesus. Except I wouldn't want to scare to many people away because then I wouldn't have any friends then. and they eat meet and I really like meet and they are strong and they have huge teeth. But one thing I don't about Dinesor is how they don't get cavities without brushing there teeth

...a dinasor because it is big and were the first animal made. they have big bones. and have blud. and likes meat and green stuff. and be a good dinasor and stomp.

...a baer because I like fish and I downt lik winter and I like sleping but If I wus a baer i wud skaer people but i like to eat to   but I wud want to brush my teeth after. But I wud want to be frinds wih people

A few of us are rather attached to our toothbrushes, I guess. This makes me laugh.

After a week of studying this fascinating Bible character (and collectively groaning over his dramatic ups and downs), I told the kids to write Sampson a letter as though he's still alive today. They could tell him what they liked, ask him questions, or give him advice. These were my faves:

Dear Sampson:

Please never marey a philisyn girl agan. Never let anyone ty you up agan. Never cut you'er Hair. Never drink wien. Never let anyone win a Batell agest you agan. allways trust in God. allways love God. Never kill you'er self agan.

Dear Sampson how did you kill a loin and how long was it untill you came back and the bee nest was thier? That was a good ridly you. did And how did you get such a good ida to bren the Fillasteans fields. Oh and I have some ed wiss don't let girls get in the way of you and God.

Dear Sampson I liked it when you killed one thousand Fillesteens with a Dead donky's jo bone. But I didn't like it when you were falling in love with fillesteen women. And I don't think you should have taken some honey from the lion you killed. You souldent have told your wife the awnswre to the ritel. p.s. try not to fall in love with more girl's okay